DSS Pairing Parody
by Queen NekoChan
Summary: I make fun of a bunch of pairings.  Has swearing, pairing bashing, and some other things, I think. With each pairing I write a short parody example of it. Now an ongoing story.
1. 1 through 5

**A/N: So, in this, I rant about any and all pairings, whether I like them or not. Some are canon, but most aren't. Oh, and I'll put a short, parody example of the pairing, just to emphasize the horribleness of them (though, like I said, some of these pairings I like.) This is a one-shot, okay?**

**1) DarrenxDebbie (one that I like.)**

Seriously? This is the biggest cliché of the century, people. A human unknowingly gets caught up in vampire affairs, and just so happens to fall in love with one of them. Well, haven't they ever thought that the guy IS A FREAKING OLDIE? THEY CAN BE 1,000 YEARS OLD FOR ALL I CARE! AND THIS IS LIKE TWILIGHT! THE STUPID, NO GOOD BOOK DEPRIVED OF A PLOT! Here's an example:

Debbie turned from her ridiculously painted nails, finding that the speaker was the vampire, Darren Shan! Debbie didn't know how she knew his name, or how she knew that he was a vampire. She just fell deeply in love with his machoness and took this for true love. Darren, however, fell in love with her big, fake boobies, and mistook that as true love.

"Oh, Darren! Let us run off together, into the sunset, and have a bunch of cute wittle vampire baby things!"

"Alas, Debbie, but I cannot do that. I'm a vampire, so I have to, um, drink blood and stuff, and so… Ah, who cares! Let's just conveniently find a beach that happens to have a sun setting along the horizon and walk on the shore!" Darren completely forgot about his duties as a Prince, and 3 years later, when they both had precisely 1,624 little vampire kid things running around the house, Larten came by, completely forgetting he was dead, and slaughtered them all, thinking that they were minions of the Vampaneze (which they were, it just went by unnoticed to Darren and Debbie.)

Darren and Debbie cried a bit, then went off to their room to make some replacements for all the Emmas and Jarods. Yes, that was the names for every single one of their 1,624 kids, Emma being the boys and Jarod being the girls. Darren and Debbie weren't very imaginative with the names.

**2) DarrenxLarten (I hate this one XP)**

First of all, I just want to say that this makes no sense whatsoever. A 200 year old vampire and a 12 year old kid? That's even crazier than DarrenxDebbie. This is just freaking pedophilia for Larten, and Darren must be pretty dang desperate to go for a guy with orange hair. To make it worse, THEY'RE BOTH GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? IT'S BAD ENOUGH WITH THE MASSIVE AGE DIFFERENCE! Here, I'll show you the reality of this pairing:

Darren hated Larten. Larten hated Darren. No, just kidding; they are actually deeply in love with each other! Yay! That is _so _not creepy and unbelievable! See, they're even flirting right now!

"So, how did the chicken cross the road?" Darren asked, uncharacteristically giggling.

"Oh, I know this one!" Larten exclaimed, bouncing up and down with excitement. "To get to the other side!" He punched his fist in the air, basking in the light of glory at getting such a hard and tricky joke.

Darren giggled. "No, silly! To get to YOU! Who wouldn't love my little moochie poo?"

Larten gasped in surprise. "You- you really mean that? Oh, I love you, Darren!" Then they hugged. Then they started kissing. Then they started tearing off clothes. Then they- actually, I'm just gonna leave it at that.

**3) DarrenxEvra (I hate this)**

Dude, they're friends. One has scales and a snake and the other drinks blood. What the hell can you do with that? It's just… wrong. Just plain wrong, okay? I'll just write some short parody and get it over with…

When Darren first saw Evra, he thought he fell in love with the shiny green scales and the long green/yellow hair. Evra thought he fell in love with the chocolate chip cupcake Darren was holding. So they started dating, Evra doing it because he needed that beautiful cupcake, which was a million times sexier than Darren. Darren just wanted to lose his virginity. And he did, not long after, but only because Horrible Pairing #1 came to haunt him and Debbie raped poor Darren, who, at that moment, was showing Evra his epically awesome cupcake. When Debbie came by and grabbed Darren, he dropped his cupcake on the ground, which resulted in Evra crying over the tragic loss while Darren was screaming in the background. Fin.

**4) DarrenxOC**

As you all know, a whole lot of OCs are Mary-Sues. Their eyes change color, they're smart, beautiful, talented, have the perfect personality, an oh-so-tragic past, as perfect as one can be. And complete bitches because of that. Here's what I mean:

Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue fell in love with Darren. This proved to be a problem, because she made a promise to her late (and imaginary) boyfriend that she would not love anybody else. She also told her parents, both of which in an unbreakable coma, that she would stay pure hearted and innocent forever. And her poor, poor Granny Vanilla- well, you get the point.

Darren Shan fell in love with Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue and her big, fat, hamster. It was the most wonderful hamster in the world, with bright colors everywhere on its body, eight claws that tickled you, venom that can kill with one bite- wait, never mind. That was Madam Octa. Though Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue _did _say that she took it from a vampire, which resulted in the torture and murder of her best friend…

So, to make a long story short, Darren and Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue had 1,625 kids, one more than Debbie had with Darren. She was pissed, of course, and killed Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue after the 1,626 kid. I mean, right after the 1,626 kid. Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue was holding her 4 min old son when Debbie came barging in. So, Darren was sad, but then he married Debbie and so, in all, they had about 3,250 kids, if my math is correct. You can prove me wrong if you're that bored.

**5) LartenxArra (yeah, yeah, I like this one)**

This, too, is a cliché, believe it or not. They love each other, mate, and then go their separate ways, even though they still wuv each other. Seriously, if you like someone, just stay with them! Don't act all "No, I can't! It's not right!" on me! Why the hell do you need some stupid tragic drama in your vampire life? Just act like this little parody and get on with your lives!

Arra giggled, wiping a smudge of dirt off Larten's cheek. "Oh, you messy boy, you. Learn some manners!" She said it halfheartedly, and giggled some more when Larten hugged her, whispering melodramatically, "Oh, but how can I ever be clean when I'm with you!" Arra mistook this as a cutesy romantic line, and giggled some more, along with a lot of blushing. And I mean a _whole _lot of blushing… Hell, is she going to explode from that much- oh, yeah. She exploded, all right. Maybe Larten and Arra _shouldn't _follow this parody after all…

**A/N: YEP. THAT'S THE END. I GOT BORED. Maybe I should actually make this ongoing… Like 5 every chapter? Oh well. Tell me what you think. And by the way, I didn't mean to offend anyone with this. I made fun of a couple pairings I like too. ArraxLarten is sweet, and DebbiexDarren is cute too. REVIEW PLEASE. I LIVE OFF REVIEWS. IF I DON'T GET REVIEWS, THEN I DIE. SO HELP ME SURVIVE AND REVIEW. **_**NOW.**_


	2. 6 through 10

**A/N: Well, since it seems that everybody who reviewed wanted me to continue this, I will. DSS Pairing Parody is now an ongoing story. Let's celebrate!~ Oh, and in later chapters, I might make up some pairings if I start to run out of stuff to make fun of.**

**6) LartenxGavner**

You people seriously have a creepy imagination. THEY'RE BOTH DUDES, PEOPLE. AND FRIENDS. I have nothing against homosexuality, but really? This might work if it was another variation of Twilight, but this is a HORROR. THERE IS NO FUCKING YAOI, PEOPLE. THIS IS COMPLETE BULLSHIT. I'll go ahead and shove you into the light:

Larten was giggling. Why? Because he had a loving boyfriend, of course! Never mind that they've known each other forever, are friends, and are both guys. Those are stupid reasons for why this pairing is "impossible"!

"So, what are you doing?" Larten asked through his giggles.

"I sat!" Gavner huffed with pride. Larten was apparently dissatisfied with this answer.

"So," cue giggles, "what else are you doing?"

Gavner thought long and hard about his answer, before replying, "Sitting!"

Larten giggled some more at his epic cuteness. "Of course you are, darling!" Then he proceeded to molest- I mean, hug Gavner, who was still swelling with pride at his wonderful achievement. Then, Steve came to the rescue and killed them both, which thankfully ended this crappy parody.

**7) VanchaxLarten**

I am very disappointed. This is just a new level of stupidness. (By the way, stupidness isn't a word. Or so my computer claims…) When the hell have they ever hinted a romantic interest in each other! I just don't want to go into detail about how this pairing is completely unrealistic and just plain gross. Here:

"Larten!~" Vancha singed from wherever the hell he was. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!~"

Larten, meanwhile, was hiding in a box, enjoying this game of hide-and-go-seek. Hey, have you ever thought that that's a long name? It's one of the longest names for a game, as far as my knowledge of games go. Now, back to the- WTF? My toe's bruised and bleeding! How the hell did that happen?

Larten giggled a bit when he heard a loud _thump, _clearly indicating that Vancha fell somewhere.

Vancha heard the giggle, and opened the box to find his beloved, Larten Crepsley!

"I wuv you, my darling!" Vancha yelled.

"I wuv you too, butter cups!" Then they started hugging, making out, moaning, panting, even- I'm grossing myself out just by thinking about that stuff. *Shivers*

**8) DarrenxSam**

Thought I was done with Darren, right? Wrong. Darren is the protagonist. Of course they're a lot of stupid romance stories about him. I just forgot some. Now, to start, WTF? How the hell can you people even think that this can _exist? _This is just… shit. This stuff is worse than my dog's crap, and that's saying something. Sure, brotherly is fine, as for mostly all of the other pairings I have named, but… seriously, people? Can't you ever think of something that _makes sense?_ Just look at this parody:

Sam fell in love at first sight… with a chocolate parfait. Sadly, that chocolate parfait was soon eaten by Darren Shan, who fell in love with Sam's great, big, chocolate chip cookie. Tragically, that, too, was soon eaten, and they both concluded that the only way to be with their true love was with each other.

"I love you, my beautiful chocolate parfait!" Sam yelled one day while stroking Darren's stomach, completely unaware that it has probably been pooped out a long time ago.

"I love you too, my sweet, sweet, chocolate chip cookie!" Darren yelled while kissing Sam's tummy. He, too, was unaware that it had already been digested. The Life of Human is true, no matter what Han Fei-Tzu says! Sorry for that random outburst. I'm not even sure how to spell that guy's name…

This act convinced the bystanders that mpreg was, indeed, true, and started cursing their teachers for all the false information they were given. Soon after, though, Sam actually became pregnant because, unbeknownst to them, he was actually a hermaphrodite. THE END.

**9) Mr. TinyxMr. Tall (as far as I know, this doesn't exist, but I got the idea while talking to someone. They partly thought of it, also.)**

First of all, let us thank the crazy fangirls for not making this up. This crosses the line of homosexuality, incest, and pedophilia. That's enough of a reason for this to be absolutely disgusting. Here ya go:

Mr. Tall decided to look into the future one day. It was a very rare occurrence; there was so much peril that the burden was too much. But on this day, he decided that it would be nice to see if he ever got to watch the movie Aladdin. Instead, he found something extremely disturbing, and remembered the reason why he never looked to the future.

Mr. Tiny, on the other hand, was wondering if there was going to be genocide in the near future. Particularly the end of the human race, because honestly, they were really stupid and boring. Those demons from the book _Demonata _seemed much more fun. Sadly, he found some rather… disgusting… elements. Despite that, he decided to get the future over and done with. SO HE BLEW UP THE WORLD! MUAHAHAHAHAA! …No, not really.

"Hibernious!~ Where are you, my sweet, sweet, son?" Mr. Tiny called out, searching for his son.

"I'm right here," Mr. Tall answered, looming behind Des Tiny. "Is there something you would like to tell me?"

"Yes!~ I just wanted to say that I love you, and I wanna date you, even though that would be incest, homosexuality, and pedophilia!"

Mr. Tall thought for a second, before shrugging and replying, "It would be nice to stop being single. I accept your charming proposal." And then, they dated and stuff, and… yeah. I'm honestly very disgusted to be writing this, so I'm gonna end it there.

**A/N: Seriously. That last one was very horrible for me to write. I was greatly disgusted to write it. Now, on to a less serious note, REVIEW! IT HELPS MY MOTIVATION! And please send me suggestions if you can, preferably pairings that exist. They could be ones you hate or love, and I'll bash it some way or another.**


	3. StevexOC

**A/N: I should really try to update my other stories… But this one is so fun and easy to write!~ I am now going to dedicate one chapter to each pairing, because the two people who voted said to. Another person just said they'd like it either way.~ I FEEL SO HAPPY FOR SOME REASON! :DDDDDD**

**Oh, and here's the disclaimer:**

"**Why, oh why, Mighty Disclaimer, must this thing belong to someone else?" Quinn yelled from the abyss, her voice mixed with agony and despair.**

"**Because, you are not awesome enough to write this amazingly amazing stuff! You're a freaking fangirl, so just crawl in a hole and DIE!" Mighty Disclaimer roared. He waved his hand, and suddenly, a sign appeared above Quinn, reading, "This girl does not, and will never own, the Darren Shan Saga."**

"**NOOOOOOOOOO!" Quinn screeched, and lightning flashed in the background. "CURSE YOU, MIGHTY DISCLAIMER!"**

**That was a long A/N… HERE'S THE STORY!**

**11) StevexOC (first suggested by roxypony. Yeah, that's right. I give credit. Surprising, ain't it?)**

Now back comes Mary Reminaly Dora Magareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue, the evil Mary-Sue who's all perfect, beautiful, talented, and an oh-so-tragic past. But that's not all; Steve was never meant to have any romance. Seriously, you might be thinking, "But her heart warms Steve! She makes him nice and funny!" People, you're talking a crazy, homicidal idiot who always thinks everybody's plotting against him. If her heart warms Steve in your story, that only adds to the Mary-Sue traits. It just doesn't work, okay? Here's the parody:

Unbeknownst to Darren, Mary Reminaly Dora Magareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue was actually cheating on him. She was probably cheating on a lot of other people, too, but let's not get into that right now.

"Oh Steve, why don't you love me, even though I have shown my complete devotion to you?" Mary Reminaly Dora Magareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue asked. If I were you, I would not ask how cheating on Darren without either guy knowing is showing complete devotion. And let's start calling Mary Reminaly Dora Magareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue by her first and last name, because I cannot keep on pasting that same thing over and over.

"Mary, I am a homicidal maniac that drinks human blood, so I can never be with you! It is too wrong! Plus, you are a vampire, and one of Darren's friends. This can never work out. Like Romeo and Juliet! We'll end up like them and commit suicide! And also-"

"Suicide, shmuicide! Let's just go out on a date, get eloped, and have a bunch of little vampire/vampaneze things! Yes, that's it… We'll make a new race! Wonderful idea!" Mary Sue (1) exclaimed, and Steve was taken aback by the sudden attitude change. What happened to the sweet, darling Mary Sue that everyone knows and hates…?

Steve loved the new personality Mary Sue got! Just his type! "Okay, I agree! Let's go out to the prairie, get eloped, have a bunch of vampanires (mix of vampaneze and vampire), and hunt the lions and giraffes! Great idea, isn't it?"

Mary Sue burst into tears, dramatically yelling, "Oh Steve, I didn't know you were such a monster! How could you even _think_ of killing those poor, innocent animals?"

Steve blinked, before realization dawned on him. _Ah, I see, _he thought. _This must be one of those "flaws" every author gives to their Mary Sue: split personality._

Steve soon realized that the split personality comes every 5 minutes, and he determined that it was impossible to live with Mary Sue. So Mary Reminaly Dora Margareta Taylor Flower Pony Sue went back to Darren, had about 634 more kids with him, and Steve went back to plotting the death of those who betrayed him (Chuck Norris at the top of his list, though he wouldn't dare try to directly harm him).

THE END.

**(1) How many of you noticed that her first and last names were Mary Sue in the DarrenxOC one? Probably all of you XD**

**A/N: Yeah, this chapter was really short and suckish, but hey, at least it was a bit longer than those other parodies in the last chapters. (PS I'm gonna delete the last A/N chapter tomorrow, because I'm too lazy to do it today XD.)**


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